Why is It Important?

No matter how amicable or clean a divorce is, it leaves an indelible impression on children?s minds. A child habitually seeks as support base a confidante.

This role is supposed to be fulfilled by the parents. But when the child observes that the person, who was synonymous with the word ?security?, has become extremely insecure himself or herself, the child instinctively starts searching for a surrogate elsewhere. There are several negative effects this could have on children:

1. When the child looks for an alternative to the family, and is a teenager, then joining a gang becomes very common.
2. Drug abuse, substance abuse, and alcoholism are often the result of trying to forget about it.
3. Children are sensitive, but not always outspoken. They show their anxiety through eating and sleeping disorders.
4. Plummeting performance at school is a commonly observed fact for all children of divorced parents. It is even more true for children who are not able to talk to their parents ? because they don?t talk to each other in the first place.
5. The non-resident parent may be the one to whom the child might have been closer. In his or her absence, the child becomes more withdrawn, resulting in complications.
6. Children are easily influenced in their formative years by what they see around themselves. When they observe the failure of communication between two people who are supposed to be closest to each other, the influence lasts all their lives.
7. People who are unwilling to commit themselves in a relationship are mostly from broken homes. This may sound strange, since the general belief is that people who come from single parent families would strongly want a family themselves ? but that is not the case in reality.

Where to Meet and How Often

A major area of conflict among parents who have separated is fixing up a meeting place. Where children are concerned, there are the visitation rules to be followed. Meeting once a week is generally considered healthy enough. However, counsellors have repeatedly suggested that the non-resident parent should make it a point to be present at ?events? in a child?s life. The cricket match, the morning of the exam, the eve of the big party ? these are milestones for a child ? and both parents should be around to provide support.

Parents in the UK are very divided in their opinion as to where they should meet. The majority want to avoid going back to the house they have left, since it is too painful for them. Restaurants are a usual choice, but the lack of privacy can be a problem. Parks, the zoo, and other areas that provide family entertainment are gaining popularity. For those who can afford it, going to a more posh, and also more private restaurant or resort is quite common. The impersonality of the surroundings has a calming effect on the couple, and the children get a chance to enjoy themselves.

Many parents, who have that level of maturity in the first place, are meeting each other after divorce. This is a private meeting, and the children are not present. This gives them the chance to discuss financial matters and child-related issues between themselves with greater privacy and comfort. Several counselling centres and government-run mediation centres offer the parents this kind of neutral meeting place for meeting up.

Topics of Discussion

There are some issues that divorced parents ought to sort out when they meet in private.

1. Financial issues: Matters related to money management, be it the payment of maintenance on time or plans for buying a new house, should be prioritised in these discussions.
2. Child Custody and Visitation: This is a sensitive area and should never be discussed in front of children. If a parent is unable to keep to the visitation rules, he or she should clearly talk about it in advance, so that the resident parent is prepared to deal with it.
3. Former times: It is best to keep the old bitterness out of the children?s earshot. Fights aren?t for public eyes.

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James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. For more information on getting a Divorce see www.quickie-divorce.com